Music festivals are a great opportunity to beat your vital organs into submission like they’re in the octagon with Ronda Rousey. Ostensibly serving as a substance abuse grand prix, fests can be awful for your body in other ways too. Inactivity due to passing out in random mud pits, holding still for selfies and ingesting deep-fried fuel that smells like fat-shaming won’t help you keep up on your fitness.
Here are 15 ways to show you work(out) hard and play hard! Before you get started, don’t forget to let your haters be your motivators. Your frenemies don’t want you to succeed but Everfest does! You can do this, just focus on that Sunday night headliner you’ll probably miss to cut out early and avoid the two hours of parking lot traffic.
2. Body Surf: Catch some hand waves and you’ll lose 13 ounces when your flip flops sink into the sea of sweaty serpents guiding you along.
3. Jumping Jacks: When the Skrillex and Diplo new side project Jack U starts indiscriminately dropping the bass, do 10 reps of jumping jacks instead of fist pumping to stand out and kick start your workout.
4. Push-up(s): Do one half-assed version of these when you come to from your dehydration nap!
5. Tough Mudder: Have you ever talked to someone who’s done the Tough Mudder challenge? They won’t
shut up about it stop singing its praises. Roll around in the mud for 45 seconds. You’re at a festival, push yourself!!
6. Tossing: Find a medicine ball-sized rumor about a secret Kanye guest performance during Jack White’s set and toss to everyone you see.
7. Throwback to Thursday and twerk: No one twerks anymore! Bring it back and you’ll burn 9 calories and gain tons of judgmental looks!
8. Yoga: There will be people at the festival doing this earnestly. Keep a safe distance, and copy their moves. If they catch you, they’ll think you’re mocking them and may use their limber limbs to downward dog you into the ground. Start sprinting and scream namaste!!
9. Squats: Do you even leg day bro? Perform one of these when security spots you toking up or chucking a beer at Mumford and Sons because they betrayed your fandom by playing their new electric stuff.
10. Crossfit Box Jump: How else are you gonna see over the basic chick in front of you on top of that d-bags shoulders?!
11. Breathe: Anxiety is setting in, you haven’t seen results. It’s ok, you’re there to have fun, just look at your breathe tattoo and remember to breathe!
12. Spinning: Your head is, might as well get your body to do it too.
13. Lunges: when a Drake reaches out his hand, lunge towards it–this will tone your thumping heart muscle.
14. Silent Disco Cardio: This trendy workout will get your heart rate up as you appear to be having an epileptic seizure to onlookers who can’t hear what’s in your head.
15. Day Three 1 Mile Sprint: You’re exhausted from getting up on your fitness and partying. You’ve slept for 15 hours and you’re about to miss all of the last day of the festival–it’s time to sprint from the campgrounds to catch the last bit of Florence and the Machine’s headlining set. Remember the Dog Days Are Over, and Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father, Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers, Leave all your love and your longing behind, You can’t carry it with you if you want to survive!!!!! After you hear this song, give it all you got and jog to the aforementioned parking lot and beat that traffic!
Congrats, you went beast mode on your festival workout! Now reward yourself with a streak of cheat days until the next opportunity to do this again presents itself!!