How to Assemble the Perfect Festival Squad
You can have the biggest artists in the world, with the craziest light shows in the most beautiful locale, but none of that means anything without your friends. Your squad often ends up defining your festival experience, but not any rag-tag bunch of ravers will suffice – a festival squad is a finely tuned science in which personalities must balance to create ultimate squad zen.
Here are the elements every rave squad needs:
The Team Mom
Questions like “Did you remember to pack sunscreen?” and “Don’t forget to hydrate!” are common for the festival Team Mom, who is often seen sporting a fanny pack, wide brimmed hat, extra copies of the festival program, and multiple bottles of water.
A glimpse into the planner’s tight itinerary: “From 5:30 to 5:37, we’ll go to the main stage, with a four minute walk to the beer garden, where we can spend 15-17 minutes if we want to get back to the rave tent for 4:15. We can be there for 27 minutes if we want to take a selfie at sunset by that crazy installation.”
The Music Snob
“I’m not seeing anything at the main stage! In fact, I’m just gonna listen to my iPod in a corner over here.”
The Weave Master
It’s a dirty job, but someone’s gotta do it. The Weave Master boldly leads your human chain as far forward as you can go. Most often heard saying “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”
“Oh hey there, pretty lady. You should come check out my tent later. I’ve got cable.” The Loverboy is not afraid to use Tinder at a festival, if only there was service.
The Tiny Bladder
“Okay I’m really, really sorry guys, but I have to pee again. It’ll only take a second! Hold up, can I get a sip of your water?”
“I’m camping out for Calvin Harris all day long. CALVIN, CALVIN, CALVIN!”
They’ve spent six months working out their lats, delts, and traps to make sure your totem gets held highest, loudest, and proudest. With a good Totemholder, you’re never lost.
The One-Man Rave
One part party instigator, another part liability, the One-Man Rave is on a mission to make this the best night of your lives...if you could only remember it in the morning.
The Homeless Shelter
This person is on a mission to pick up festival stragglers and have them join your crew. Their empathy knows no bounds.
The Escape Artist
Turn around, they’re gone, nowhere to be seen even though they drove seven hours with you to get to the fest. Two days later, they manage to find you in a crowd of 40,000 at the main stage.
Whatever happens, do NOT lose the n00b! If your squad’s first timer wanders off, they’re likely to show up days later, grizzled and starving, wearing nothing but a flower crown and a thousand yard stare.
The Dreaded Vibekiller
If you come across a Vibekiller, RUN! They spend the whole festival complaining and focusing on the negatives instead of all the wonder that’s at their fingertips. Bad vibes are contagious. Quarantine this person in a port-a-potty!
Somebody has to bring that flask of Jameson in. Or that ziploc bag full of rum, that they immediately pour into a bottle of coke for everyone to share. They have a “system” devised for this that has never failed them in over a decade. You know this, because you hear about “the system” every time it’s inevitably successful again.